My kid is crying. He's calling out for help. Will anyone hear him? Will anyone help him? I hear you, Max. I hear you. But I'm not able to give you the help that you need. Sorry kid, just know that you ain't alone.

I think I just had an emotional breakdown. It's weird when you start crying in the middle of a movie for no particular reason. I know what triggered it actually, and that triggered more stuff, and that stuff triggered more stuff, and so on and so forth.

I feel better. But now I can't really recall how it all happened. I started to think about Mistress. And how much I loved her and how much I wanted to show her how much that I love her. But I'm not able to because Mistress won't give me a chance. And I don't know what to do. Seriously, for the first time in my life, I do not know what to do. I'm scared to make a decision. I don't want to make a decision. I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. I just don't know anymore. What am I do to do? I don't want to go through what I went through with May. That seriously nearly killed me. I've worked so hard to be happy, to be able to feel again. I don't want that to go away. But I love Mistress so much. I don't want Mistress to go away.

My dad says I do too much for people. That I help people but I don't help myself. That I help people even it if hurts me. I tried to help May. I ended up getting emotionally attached, and that just fucked everything up. I want to show Mistress how much I love her because I truly believe that's the one thing that she needs. But I don't know anymore. The funny thing is, either way that I go, I'm going to end up getting hurt no matter what.

I guess I just don't want to be let down anymore. That sounds really selfish, but I don't ask anyone for anything. Other then my parents. I give so much that I have nothing else to give. I know from how totally fucked up I am right now, that if I get the same results as always, this will be my last for a very very long time.

I'm fucking shaking. This is unbelievable.

I don't know what to do. And for the first time in my life, I don't want to make a decision.

I'm so glad I'm going to be seeing Priscilla tomorrow.

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