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Thursday. 4.28.05 3:26 pm
Do you think you fully ever get over your first love? I feel miserable. I shouldn't have gotten a livejournal. I feel bad. Heh. And I also feel that right now currently at least, she's pushing me away. And I don't know. I'm just depressed.

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As always
Monday. 3.28.05 9:04 pm
As always I resort back to this journal when my feelings get too overwhelming. It's not really overwhelming I just have to think. This is a place where I can sort out my thoughts and feelings. Somethings been bothering me. I don't know what. Well, I do but I don't. Okay, I really do.

It's just sometimes I wonder if she'll ever love me as much as she loved her.

Does she love me as much as she loved her?

Maybe it's just me.

Am I always going to want more?

I don't talk to another person half as much as I use to.

I feel something changing inside of me. And I'm scared.

Maybe it's dallas.

Maybe it's not.

I don't know. I don't know.

I'm scared of getting hurt.

The child within me wants so badly to experience the world. He was out when I was there. The innocence and bubbling curiosity. Freedom to be who he is. I didn't have to protect him there. He felt safe. How often does he feel safe? Not here. Not often. Never here. Never ever here. It seems I've set up some kind of defense mechanism to keep him safe. Sometimes he comes out. When I get hurt, he gets hurt worse. I haven't talked about him in a while. I haven't talked this way in a while. He felt safe with her. My head hurts. He sleeps.

All I want to do is cry.

I'm so fustrated.

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Saturday. 1.29.05 7:04 pm
I am so bipolar. Hehehe. I am in such a good mood. Definitely in a much MUCH better mood than the past few days. I'm very content.

It's cause I talked to Candice about how I was feeling. And we've come to the conclusion that it's better off that we were just friends. How do I feel about that? Great! Hehe. I want to be her friend. And I want her to be happy, and Wendy can make her happy, and if anything ever happens between them, I'll be happy for the both of them cause I'm happy when Candice is happy and I would never ever want to hold her back. I don't want to be selfish with my love. And realistically and logically, I would want someone near me too. So yeah.

You know, I was worried that I would throw my walls up so high that they'll close her off. Like I was trying to do yesterday and the day before. But I'm not worried about that anymore because she would never hurt me in such a way where I would have to close her off. So no worries there. Yay! I'll always love her in some way or another and care about her. Always always. And that's all that matters. It's better to have her as a friend then no friend at all. =D So yes, I am very content right now. I'm actually not jealous that she went on a date with Wendy. Actually, a big part of me right now is hoping that they do get into something serious (not now, but when it seems right) cause Candice deserves someone who loves her just as much as she loves them. It hasn't gotten to love, but you know, my minds always in the future. Hehe. I hope they're having a good time. I like Wendy.

I like getting high. Not because of the way it makes me feel, but the way I'm able to sooo easily read people. It's just amazing to see the patterns in people's interactions. To know why they act the way they do. Like last night, when Candice, Blanca, and I were on the phone, it was just amazing to actually see the reasoning behind everything.

My friend is scared of her dominant side. It really can be a great gift if you know how to use it the right way. I don't blame her for being scared of it. Society is always telling us how it's wrong, but really, there's always this kind of power exchange in society. It's inevitable. The world wouldn't work if it didn't happen. So she shouldn't be scared of it. I use to hate my submissive side. Omg, I remember after Bettie, I tried soo hard to deny that side of me. Hehe. Of course, it didn't work. It's in my nature to be submissive. A natural submissive. I swear sometimes it's a curse. The dynamic between Candice and I scared my friend. Hehe. As it would probably scare a lot of people. I want to teach her not to be afraid of that side of her.

Candice says that I make a good slave. That makes me smile. Hehe. But really, I get punished way too much. But it's fun. God, I would probably be really destructive right now if I hadn't of met Candice. It's a relief to have her as a Domme. It's a big big relief that she understands. I get these sudden urges where I have to be dominated. And I'll do anything in my power to have someone dominant me. I've always been like that. Of course, it runs a lot of people away, cause they can't handle it. But Candice can cause she understands my urges. She knows how to control me. Mmmm. I like being her slave. I really really do. Hehe.

I'm a submissive to everyone. I'm a slave to whom ever I choose. I can't be a slave for someone whom I don't love. I figured this out too. I thought that I wouldn't be able to be a slave with someone that is in a relationship. But I can. As long as I love and care for the Domme, I have no problem with a uhh...poly (?) relationship. As long as they give me the right attention. Hehe. Of course, they'll have to know how to control me. And most people don't know the right buttons to push to control me.

I take pride in that. LoL. I love being stubborn and I love being a brat. =D

So there is my cheerful banter for today.

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Friday. 1.28.05 2:26 pm
I'm tired of giving and giving and giving and fucking giving.

I am so sick of it.

So sick.

I hate this.

I want this to end.

It's my fault anyways right? For always setting myself up to get hurt.

Whatever. Tonight I'm getting wasted. No more soberness. Let all the drugs wash all the pain away.


I don't trust myself.

I told Priscilla to bitch at me if I get too fucked up too many times.

Until the next morning, when the cycle repeats itself, the pain courses through my blood yet again.

Drunk. High. Party.

And endless cycle.

Until I become numb again.

That's my plan.

Time to get ready for work.

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Friday. 1.28.05 10:05 am
"I want someone who will sacrifice for me as much as I'm willing to sacrifice for them."

Heh. Don't we fucking all.

Am I angry? Bitter? Upset? No, I'm just really cold. Sweet apathy, how I missed you. It doesn't matter how I feel though, nothing is ever going to change. Okay, I'm really not apathetic. I'm just really pissed off to the point where I'm turning cold. A cold rage perhaps? I don't know. Nothing like I've never experienced before. It's that brooding bubbly anger that I let brew at the pit of my stomach. How long has it been since I've felt this way? Six or so months? I've missed you. So, my walls are being thrown back up. It's amusing. Watch me play the game of life. And watch me win. Remember the time in eighth grade and ninth grade? Those walls. See my beautiful mask with all the colorful feathers? Everyone loves it. Heh. They really fucking do. It's amazing.

What's so special about love? I've been asking myself this question a lot lately. It's just another feeling. Why does everyone make such a big deal about finding their true love? I'm beginning to miss the point. Just another connection with another person. Stronger perhaps, but just a connection. Just another feeling. Just another relationship.

I know what's so special about love. It makes you do things that you never dreamed of doing. It makes you feel things that any other "emotions" wouldn't ever get you to feel. Is love foolish? Who knows. But isn't it what makes love love? Or perhaps I'm just young and naive. Whatever. It doesn't matter anymore.

Party tonight. I'm going to get krunk. Work tomorrow morning. Ohhh..

Oh sweet brother, how I have missed you.

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Ponderings while I'm at work
Monday. 1.24.05 7:43 pm
My raging jealousy is starting to annoy me. I don't see how it doesn't annoy Candice. It annoys me! And now, I'm not sure why I'm jealous. I guess I'm just jealous, or envious, that I'm not the one there that gets to sleep with her. I don't get to watch her sleep. I don't get to touch her physically. I find myself wishing that I could be there. That I could be close to her. Forever and ever. Heh. And sometimes I find myself thinking that she deserves a lot better. Of all the people in the world, why did she fall for me? She deserves someone that can give her what I can't. Why did she pick me? There's a lot of sweet people out in the world. And then I get to thinking, am I selfish in my love? I can't help not loving her. Does my love some how confine her and hold her back from her dreams? I would never want to do that to her. Never ever. No matter how much it hurt me, it would hurt me more to know that's she's not happy. And of course there is Amber. Amber. Amber. Amber. The infamous Amber. I don't even know how I feel about her. It's not that I don't like her. I'm just very very very intimidated, I think. I haven't been intimidated in a very long time. And the vibe that I got from them was just scary. Well, it wasn't scary, it was just very very intense. And it's probably why I'm still so god damn emotional right now. And I've been able to read people like crazy today.

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